


Acknowledge Our Loss

by Mystrana



Series: Our Memories [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky is not doing much better, F/M, M/M, Steve is not ok
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 08:31:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1976118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystrana/pseuds/Mystrana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after CA:TWS and When We Leave Our Past Behind. Steve is leading the charge against Hydra and nobody is prepared for the casualties that are about to occur. Natasha, Clint, Sam, Bucky, Tony and Bruce are working together to eliminate the threat of Hydra against the world, but Hydra is true to their motto: "Cut off one head and two will take its place" and Steve is starting to find himself worn down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Acknowledge Our Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back, lovely readers who have been with me since the first installment of this series! And welcome, new readers! You don't technically NEED to read the first installment, but it might not be a bad idea. ;p  
> This chapter is fairly tame on language and violence and the like, though that's going to change in the future.

_There was nothing in sight_

_But memories left abandoned_

_Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes_

_Across this new divide_

_Linkin Park – New Divide_

 

 

 

“Good work everyone!” Steve’s voice was strong and lighthearted in direct contrast to the dark circles under his eyes as he addressed the group. “Get cleaned up, get some sleep and we’ll debrief tomorrow at 0700. There’ll be some bagels.” He grinned, though the gesture barely reached his eyes, reddened by the smoke from earlier that day.

Steve watched as Sam, Natasha and Clint exited the room, various displays of their own exhaustion visible in the way Natasha’s steps were clipped and in the way Clint stifled a yawn as he took Natasha’s hand in his own on their way to their room. Sam took a moment to look back at Steve, calling, “You get some sleep as well Cap!”

Nodding, Steve waved to Sam. “Go on, I don’t need you to remind me that I’d give anything for an hour of sleep.”

When Sam was gone, Bucky spoke up from his seat across the room. “He’s right though. You need to get some sleep too.”

Steve took a moment to look at Bucky. The last month had been long days, sleepless nights and endless fighting all as they had gone out in full-force to bring down the remnants of Hydra scattered around America, all while making plans to continue the scourge abroad in the coming months. Somehow Bucky had surprised them all by being a constant presence, running on less sleep and doing more every day.

Even now, though his hair was messily falling out of his ponytail, his eyes were alert and his face wore an easy smile. His dark clothing was rumpled in all the right ways and Steve shook his head. “You need to share your secret,” Steve said. 

Bucky smiled ruefully. “It’s easy. Just go up to Hydra and ask them, pretty please, can’t I be a test subject for your experiments? And then hope the chemicals they inject you with don’t kill you or maybe hope they do kill you because they hurt that badly and then, maybe you’ll be able to function on five hours of sleep nightly too.” He paused, adding, “It helps to have you Steve. Less nightmares means more productive resting.” His eyes flashed darkly. “And damn it felt good to see that cell go down today. Did you see all that research they had hidden there? I think we really hit them where it hurts.”

“I think you’re right,” Steve said, “And that’s why I’ve got to sort through all of this paperwork before I can get to sleep.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Bucky said, getting up and walking to Steve, putting his hands on Steve’s neck and rubbing the tense muscles. “You need to get someone to help you with this. You and I can’t do it like this forever.”

“I don’t want to extend trust any further than necessary,” Steve replied, closing his eyes for a moment to enjoy the massage. “When this is over, I don’t want to have any loose ends.” He yawned. “And it’s not forever, it’s just until I’ve personally made sure there is not a single person left even so much as thinking the words ‘hail hydra’.”

“When this is over,” Bucky replied, “I don’t want to have to send you to Sam for therapy only to have him tell me there’s no saving you from your self-induced idiocy.”

“I like how I can always trust you to give it to me straight,” Steve said, smiling up at Bucky. “Thank you for being here.”

“As if you thought I’d sit behind, pining for you, waiting for you to write me letters? Not a chance.”

“I know it’s not easy on you, no matter how well you wear your emotions,” Steve said after a moment. “So, again, I appreciate you being here.”

Bucky’s hands stopped for a second but then he continued. “I’ve surprised myself,” he admitted quietly. “But I don’t want to question it.”

“Understood,” Steve said. He looked down at the mountain of papers in front of them. “How about we just sort this mess out tonight and get some sleep. We can document everything properly tomorrow morning.”

“That sounds almost reasonable,” Bucky replied, looking at the clock on the wall that was almost ready to hit midnight. “I’m in.”

 

*

 

When Steve acknowledged everyone in the morning, his eyes were a little clearer and his face a shade less pale. Standing at the front of the meeting room table, he said, “I’ll keep this brief because we’ve got a lot to take care of today. Everyone did great but when I was reviewing the Hydra surveillance footage last night –“

Bucky gave Steve a sharp look and Steve didn’t make eye contact.

“- I noticed something we need to talk about.” He gestured to the screen behind him, stepping out of the way and tapping the bottom corner to start a video clip.

  
The grainy security camera footage showed a view into one of the Hydra laboratory rooms they had taken down. Three researchers were standing at the long table in the middle of the room. Two were actively manipulating various beakers on the table and the third was watching, standing with his arms on his hips.

Suddenly, the third researcher turned sharply to look at a spot just out of the camera. The footage was silent, but his mouth opened in a scream and the two other researchers looked in his direction, dropping the beakers they were holding. Before they could move, they, too, were shouting or screaming – it was hard to tell.

When they collapsed to the ground, punctured perfectly by arrows, it became obvious. Clint stepped into the frame, his blonde hair an eerie shade of brown on the green tinted footage. He grabbed the arrows from the bodies.

He swiveled around quickly as three armed Hydra guards stormed into the room. Clint jumped back, taking down one of the guards as he hid behind a smaller table near the front of the room. It became obvious he didn’t have any back up. The remaining two guards spread out, moving quickly to cover the left and right side of the room, shooting at Clint’s less-than-ideal perch.

At that moment, the spills from the dropped beakers began to spark and flash as the chemicals mixed. It threw the guards off-balance for just a moment and Clint seized the opportunity, jumping onto the table and shooting the left guard before spinning around and taking down the guard on the right, the arrow streaking through the sparks and the smoke. Breathing heavily, he scanned the room for a second before grabbing his arrows and diving for the door just as the sparks and flashes turned into a full-blown fire.

The clip cut off there.

“Where was your back-up, Clint?” Steve asked.

Natasha shrugged and Clint glanced at her before responding. “We split up to cover the ground faster. Intel indicated the guards were already down.”

“But they weren’t, and you could have been taken down if it wasn’t for lucky timing,” Steve replied, frowning.

“That’s a fair assessment,” Clint said, “But we were going off faulty intel. Bucky was supposed to be on point for tracking the guards.”

“Those three came out of nowhere,” Bucky muttered, his arms crossed over his chest. “I had already dealt with all assigned targets and cleared the hallways. There was no reason for me not to give the all-clear on guards.”

Sam was about to add something when Steve held up his hand for silence. “The point isn’t to place blame,” he said, his voice holding a hint of weariness. “It’s to remind everyone that even with our best intentions, things might go wrong. And that’s why we have back-up. Saving a few minutes won’t mean much if you’re dead from it.”

“Well, maybe you should take your own damn advice,” Bucky replied darkly and Steve pressed his lips in a thin line.

“I don’t think now’s the time or place,” he began, but Natasha cut him off.

“No, Bucky is damn right, Captain,” Natasha said, the “captain” biting and sarcastic. “We’ve all seen how you’ve been throwing yourself into this fight. You have consistently shown no regard for your own life. Sam can vouch that he’s your back up in name only. You aren’t sleeping well, you aren’t eating well, and you are sure as hell not fooling anyone that you’re not hurting from your decisions.”

“Hydra isn’t going to wait for me to get my beauty sleep every night,” Steve said, crossing his arms at the chest, his frown deepening.

“But they’ll rejoice if you kill yourself from overexertion,” Bucky said, and the others nodded.

Sam let a beat pass before he spoke up. “Steve, we’re all in this together and we all know how much it means to you to bring Hydra down for good. But do you think it’s not important to us either? We all learned just the same how Hydra has been manipulating events around the world for decades and none of us want to sit around and do nothing. The fact that we’re here shows that, right?”

“Yes,” Steve said.

“And yes, there’s more of them than us,” Sam continued, “But that’s because we need more help. You’ve talked about more people than just us, Steve. So why not call up the reserves?”

“The fewer people we had involved,” Steve began, “the easier it was for us to move quickly and stealthily.”

“Right, and now that time has passed,” Clint said. “They’re prepared for us. They’re beginning to anticipate our attacks, despite our varied approaches. So we’ve gotta go for more manpower.”

Bucky shrugged from his spot next to Steve. “Plus, I’ve always wanted to meet this Hulk fellow everyone’s talked about.”

Natasha laughed briefly. It sounded like she might have choked on a piece of her bagel. “No, you don’t. Trust me.”

Steve sighed and sat down heavily in his chair. “I’ll speak with Tony after this and see if we can get them involved full-time with this. You guys enjoy breakfast and get your paperwork done. We’ll have a planning session at 1600.”

When he got up to leave, Bucky wasn’t far behind.

“You stayed up to watch that footage,” Bucky accused him as the door shut behind them.

“It wasn’t like that,” Steve said, still walking down the hallway towards the elevator. “I went to sleep. I couldn’t stay asleep. So I did some work – and it was a good thing I saw that.”

“Steve, come on,” Bucky said, easily keeping pace with Steve’s long strides down the tiled corridor of the Avenger’s Tower. “I know it’s not your thing to back down from a fight, but you need to let yourself slow down.”

Steve stopped suddenly, whirling around to face Bucky with his eyes steel-set. “I can’t stop and risk Hydra getting you again. I can’t live with the possibility that they might get you again. Please.” He placed his hands on Bucky’s shoulders, his gaze piercing. “Don’t ask me to stop, because I couldn’t live with myself if they get to you a third time.”

Bucky swallowed and reached out, putting his hands on Steve’s waist. They stood in the corridor, arm’s length from each other. “Steve, I know you are doing everything you can and you are doing more than you can. You can’t protect me if you’re dead.”

When Steve started to protest, Bucky raised one of his hands. “Listen,” he continued. “You have proven over and over that you are here for me. Let me be here for you now. Go and talk to Sam, ok?”

Steve cocked his head to the side, faking confusion. “Talk to Sam? About what?”

“You know what,” Bucky replied. “The cracks in your armor are becoming visible to everyone and I know you don’t want that. Sam can help you. He’s more than your back up, he’s your friend. And he can help you sort through what you’re feeling in a way that I can’t. I’ve tried, but I suspect I’m too close to the source.”

After a pause, Steve nodded briefly. The two of them started walking again in silence towards the elevator.

 

*

 

When Tony Stark heard the call, he knew it was Steve. Mostly because he had programmed it so that Steve’s incoming calls played the national anthem.

“I hope you’re not too busy,” Steve said.

Tony considered Steve over the video feed. His blonde hair was styled and his eyes were alert, but the shadows on his face spoke of quiet exhaustion. “I can always spare a moment for my elders.”

“Hilarious,” Steve said, his face expressionless. “You ready to join us full-time? We need the help.”

Tony grinned. “And here I thought you were never going to ask. Bruce and I have been feeling awfully left out, you know.” He frowned briefly when he saw his teasing was hitting a brick wall.

Steve was impassive. “Planning session starts at 1600. Be here.”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” Tony said, shaking his head. “And Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“You sound like shit. Get some sleep.”

 

*

 

That evening, the Avenger’s Tower was quietly abuzz with energy as the team called it an early evening to rest up for the planned early morning attack on Hydra.

Clint was hanging up his uniform in the closet while Natasha lounged on the bed behind him. “Who cares if the material gets a few wrinkles?” she teased. “No one will notice except Steve.”

“Babe, I think that name should be off limits,” Clint replied, fixing the hanger so that the uniform hung evenly. “But you’re probably right. I’m not even sure if this material can wrinkle. Thing is, hanging it up is a bit of order that I appreciate, so allow an old man set in his ways a few quirks, ok?”

Natasha laughed and unlike her earlier laugh, this one sounded like twinkling bells, full of energy. “Age is so relative,” she said when she caught her breath, a smile playing on her lips. “And you keep me feeling like I’m 18!” she said as she jumped out of the bed to pounce on Clint when he turned away from the closet, finally satisfied with his hanging uniform.

“Oofh!” He and Natasha ended up on the floor, a tangled mess of limbs as she pressed kisses to Clint’s cheek and lips.

“I’m not that sleepy,” Natasha said sweetly. “It’s been too long since we’ve had an hour to ourselves together. I’m working with you every day and I still feel like I never see you.”

“I was looking forward to going away with you for a bit while you made a new cover,” Clint replied quietly, running a hand through her hair and another hand down her back.

“But, no sense in a new cover if Hydra gets what they want, right?” Natasha said, leaning into his touch. “So don’t get me wrong. I’m behind Steve on this.”

“That name!” Clint said.

Natasha smiled and it stole Clint’s breath, because he knew no one got to see Natasha smile like that. “Sorry,” she whispered. “Won’t happen again. Probably.” And she shifted her weight, her body entwined with his as they made use of their rare time together.

 

*

 

Sam was finishing his nightly inspection of his jet pack when he heard a knock at his door. “Come in,” he called, standing up. “I wasn’t expecting you,” he said a moment later.

Steve ducked his head in an apology, Bucky in tow behind him with an apologetic, nervous grin.

“Sorry to bother you at this hour,” Steve began, stiff and formal and Sam frowned.

“No bother. Something the matter?” Sam asked.

Steve didn’t say anything, so Sam looked to Bucky, who looked just as uncomfortable. In a moment, Sam understood what he needed to do. He looked around his room – like all of the rooms in the Avenger’s Tower living quarters, it wasn’t extravagantly furnished, but there was a couch and he gestured for Bucky and Steve to sit down. After grabbing a couple of bottles of water from the fridge, he handed them out and then he pulled his desk chair over and sat as well, facing them.

He was quiet for a moment, debating whether he should wait for Steve to continue. The way Steve shifted on the firm couch cushions and kept glancing towards the door made up his mind and Sam spoke again. “Rough night?” he asked, conversationally.

“Rough month,” Steve said with an overly casual shrug. Sam noted the way Bucky smiled encouragingly towards Steve and allowed himself a moment to feel immense pride, knowing that only weeks ago, Bucky had barely been able to take care of himself, let alone another person.

“We’ve been staying busy,” Sam agreed. He gestured to his jetpack on the table. “Your buddy Tony offered to check the prototype on that baby to see if he couldn’t get me a back-up or two made, you know.”

“That would be useful,” Steve mused. It was easy to talk shop. It was safe. No one could accuse him of being weak if he kept Sam talking about equipment. “It wasn’t easy to repair that jet pack after what, uh –“ he paused, glancing at Bucky.

“I would be disappointed if the damage I had done was that easily fixed,” Bucky joked, though the amusement didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Knowing what you’re capable of means I breathe a sigh of relief when you’re my back-up, man,” Sam said to Bucky. “I know you’ve got my back and then some.”

This time, the brief smile lit up Bucky’s whole face. It was quickly replaced by a grimmer expression. “You say that, but I did let the team down yesterday. Those three guards were unaccounted for and that was my screw-up.”

“I’m still not convinced you made a mistake,” Steve said. “I think our initial intel must have been off. I don’t know how, but I’m going to figure it out.”

It was impossible to miss the way Bucky’s frame stiffened at Steve’s words. “You can’t give yourself another task like that,” Bucky said evenly. “I told you, we should have a fresh set of eyes look at this. Let’s give it to Tony. You know you can trust him.”

Steve held in a breath, letting it out long and slow. Sam leaned forward in his chair. “Now that’s the truth. Normally I wouldn’t trust a guy who lets just anyone into his hot tub,” he said with a grin, “But then I realized he doesn’t let just anyone in. He just makes you feel like he would. And that’s ok, that’s cool, it’s his thing.”

“I know I can trust him, but I just want to make sure it’s done right,” Steve said quietly.

Bucky turned to Sam in an open plea. “I can’t get through to him,” he said.

“There’s nothing to get through to me,” Steve said sharply.

Sam watched Bucky’s shoulders tense again. He decided against trying a lighthearted joke and addressed Steve directly, “Bucky’s not wrong, Cap,” Sam said. “You’re doing the slow burn out here and it’s painful for me to watch, as your friend. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you and I’m not saying you’re not listening to everyone. I am saying that you’re bartering with your future to try to do everything now, and it’s not going to last.”

Steve set his lips in a thin line, his arms across his chest defensively.

“Let’s look at it tactically,” Sam continued. “We’ve got twenty known Hydra cells and we’ve taken down thirteen in the last month. That means we’re going at this for at least another three weeks and even longer when you consider that Fury still has to appraise us of the Europe situation. Not to mention anything we’ve missed. If tomorrow was our last day, then fine. Great. You’re ok and everything’s ok. But it’s not. So let’s figure something out together, ok?”

And then Steve did something neither Bucky nor Sam expected. Abruptly, he stood up and without a word, he strode out of Sam’s room and was out of sight by the time Bucky had gotten to the door.

Bucky looked down the hallway. He blinked and turned to Sam. “I pictured that going much better,” he said quietly. He looked down at his hands. “I guess I don’t really know.”

“You’re trying to look out for him,” Sam said. “Same as all of us.” He paused. “But you can’t take it personally if he doesn’t want that.”

Though he nodded, Bucky knew that was a lie. He bade Sam a good night and spent the next half hour searching the tower. Steve was nowhere to be found and Bucky gave up, going to his room instead of Steve’s and trying to catch some sleep.

But alone in his bed, he felt cold without Steve’s comforting presence behind him and the nightmares came back so strongly that he woke up shouting and swearing and sweating.

And in the morning, Steve was still gone.


End file.
